Keep your identity positive
23/03/09 11:12
Greetings single moms,
Sometimes when your sense of self feels shaky, you may want to put out an SOS! If that is where you are today, then these thoughts are for you.
It is important to keep a strong and positive identity for yourself as a single mother.
A basic element of strength as a single mother is to know that you are whole and your family unit is intact. With a strong identity as a single mother you will know that you are okay, and other people’s opinions of you or your family will have no power to define you. You will understand that situational difficulties cannot undermine your ability to function. You will know that if you make a mistake, you can be strong enough to regain your equilibrium. You will be able to get back on the horse, even when life events make you feel like you’ve been thrown by a bucking bronco. With solid identity, you will flail less when you think you don’t know what you are doing. You will maintain your inner peace and let your intuition direct you when your footing feels insecure. With an identity as a woman of strength, you will have the courage to see yourself as a successful mother. You will be able to trust that you are good enough, and that you and your children can be okay even though life has struggles and choices that are not clear. This deep knowing will light the way to healing and wisdom.
Whether you choose to be a single mother, or the role is handed you by some choice or event outside of your control, being single and a mother in a world that validates and revolves around couples is hard. And sadly, the stigma of being a single mother appears not to have gone away. For example Ann Coulter, a well-known conservative writer, blames almost every social ill on single moms. Coulter says: “Look at almost any societal problem and you will find it is really a problem of single mothers. By their own choices, (single mothers) consign their children to starting life with second-class status.”
I am in hearty disagreement with this statement, and I encourage my readers to disavow this belief, regardless of how statistics can be twisted to make a point. While the difficulty of bringing up children without a father or a consistent partner (of the opposite or same sex) may be a kernel of truth that is easy to believe, the distorted belief that single mothers are to blame for everything that goes wrong in society is deeply distorted, and if internalized, can greatly inhibit the formation of a sense of identity that is positive and uplifting.
It is critically important that as single mothers we do not allow denigration of our hard work and success to taint the truth of our authentic Selfhood. Putting down another person or group puts that person into the very same negative category into which they are casting others. We can and do raise healthy functioning individuals who contribute to society. I hope you do not allow this venomous view of single motherhood to diminish your strength or belief in yourself. Ann Coulter offers you a golden opportunity to disallow her negativity into your sense of Self, and to maintain your foundation and inner core in the force of the foul wind she blows.
When your center of Self identity is wobbly, as it certainly will be at times, you may cast about in confusion for answers to these and other similar questions. You may feel pulled this way and that by others’ opinions of how you are “supposed” to be, or what you are “supposed” to think and do. There may be times you feel that you are groping in the dark for a switch to shed light on a problem. However, when you are “centered and grounded” in a strong Self you will know how to access guidance from your intuitive soul wisdom, and be able to discern when the counsel of others is useful. If you are constantly warding off others opinions, and afraid to listen to your inner voice of Self, you will be closing doors to help from your supports both inside and outside. The strong Self, identified with wholeness, is not afraid of her insights and the offerings of others. As it is said in twelve step programs—you will know how to take what you like and leave the rest.
Many of the women I have spoken with about this stage describe having a sense of depersonalization. “When my husband left, I was catatonic.” Describes one woman. She told me: “I could not move. I spent days and nights at friends’ houses. My friends fed and directed my kids. I stared into space. My therapist later identified this as an emotional paralysis. That is what it felt like, like being paralyzed.” During this time the single mother may feel directionless and helpless. If she has been married or partnered, life as she once knew it is over, and she must begin the long, and often arduous process, of recreating a new life for herself and for her children.
One single mother told me that in the beginning she felt as if she had landed on some alien planet. The space ship that brought her was light years gone, and she was marooned. Her fantasy was that some ‘Bruce Willis look alike hero would be coming to rescue her. For a while she labored under the impression that a man could save her from having to know herself; but ultimately she realized that in order to survive she had to remake her Self. She said she knew even at the fearful start that this was to be a process that would bring her new experiences, new feelings and ultimately a familiarity with her new terrain. This reestablishment of a Self in a comfortable environment would take commitment to her personal growth and rengotiation of a sense of Self.
One of the biggest changes I faced during this identity negotiation phase was redefining my sense of “family.“ When my marriage ended I experienced the loss of an extended family. Over the years I had taken on my husband’s family as my own. Don had lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. And I loved doing things with them. I loved my in-laws, who seemed to love me and made me feel like I belonged. Although I had some relief mixed in with fear when the marriage ended, the realization that my role and place in his family would change forever did not dawn on me until I saw how the dynamics of interactions had to change and the fun times would go on without me as a part.
These “separations” and losses are part of a normal cycle of growth.
Eventually our lives must diverge from our children’s lives. They must make lives that may include us in some ways and not in others. This is the natural and healthy way of things, and it may be helpful for you to realize how normal this is as you come to see yourself as whole and in an intact family in the identity renegotiation stage.
However, keeping a strong identity as a solid Self does not mean you do not have feelings—many feelings. Depending on your circumstances, you may have different and sometimes opposing feelings and thoughts that affect your identity as a single Mom and as a person. Some of you may be relieved to be alone, while others may feel like the victim of a bad deal. Some of you may go back and forth between these perspectives and others. I had a very tough time with the emotions and requirements of the identity phase almost every time I was in it.
Awareness of what you are thinking and feeling is your best ally at any point in negotiating identity. It is vital that when you are struggling to gain a new sense of identity, that you have the ability to make choices that have an effect on your life and your children’s. It is critically important that you not use your children as a way of discharging stress or trying to reason out who you are, for this can be detrimental to the development of the children’s sense of self. Even if you feeling very intense emotions about the other parent, the children still identify with both. They need to feel safe and have as much of a consistent on-going life pattern as possible. To the extent that a mother seeks support from her children for her own inner chaos, she runs the risk of disturbing their own developing identities. If you find yourself wanting to unload your feelings to your kids, it would be advisable to seek out an avenue for counseling or other adult support within the community.
Knowing the Self is a process and it does not happen at once. No one goes from knowing nothing to knowing everything. But over time the more you know your Self, the more tools you will have for functioning in your life.
Please email me with your thoughts about your own single mother identity. What do you do to keep your sense of yourself positive, seeing yourself as a whole person even though you are mothering singe?
In the spirit of single mother sisterhood,
Bette
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