Listening Tips
When having a discussion with your partner, keep these two questions in mind.
1) What do you want to accomplish? (For example: do you want harmony or conflict?)
2) What strategies do you want to use? (For example: do you want to yell and blame, or listen and check out?)
Strategies for Discussion
Keep your mind open to what you are hearing. That means really listen. Check yourself: are you at risk for falling into thinking traps?
Say things to your partner like: I want to hear what you have to say. Would you like to tell me about it? Ray often uses the question: “would you like to say more?”
As you go along check out what your partner is saying with questions that start like this: “Are you saying that…(this will be your interpretation…?”
or “Do you mean that……?” (By doing this you will be aware that you are interpreting and you will be checking to see if you are correct!)
As you continue ask each other for more information.
Ask questions like this: “How do you feel about this….?”
Or “ You sound angry (upset, nervous, afraid, sad etc)
Is that how you are feeling?”
As you conclude be sure to summarize what you believe is being said. Example: “So you feel concerned about (here you are checking out what you think your partner is saying…….”
And begin to focus on a solution. This does not mean you must make any huge decisions, but that you both acknowledge there is a problem, without blame, and by looking at what could be your part.
This allows a real and honest focus on “What can we do about this together.”
Tips for Structuring your Discussion:
Set a time for your “meeting” and meet in a neutral place in your house or out of your house that is agreed upon by both. If the discussion happens spontaneously and starts to become conflictual, one or both of you may call a time out and set a time to resume. Do your best not to take a time out in an angry or abandoning manner. Please do honor your commitment to a time to resume. Not doing so without “rescheduling” can appear like “acting out” your anger and will not help further positive intention for a successful outcome.