Mid July 1999
On one of the hot Thursdays in mid July the genderless twosome showed up at the office late in the evening. My last client had left. Ray was finishing a Tai Chi lesson.
They were pumped; waving another letter that had just arrived at the Curmudgeon headquarters. This time it was postmarked Eliot.
"Go ahead, I know you want to read it to me!" I chuckled.
They read together.
"Dear Ray and Bette,
My son just got married to a really nice girl he's been going with for a few years. We like her. But her family lives over on the coast, and the kids have been spending a lot of time there with them. We think they're ok, and sometimes we go too. But my husband and I feel we’re losing our son. We tried to tell our son, Glen, that he and his wife need to spend more time with us, but he got mad. What should we do?
Worried Mother in Eliot"
What a brat!" Sputtered Slap. "Bette, write her to tell him to shape up! Right, Hap?"
"Are you kidding, Slap? That's NOT right--he got mad. She should have a talk with the wife and explain it to her. Whadda you think, Bette?”
"Well, I dunno about your advice. I think this worried Mother might WANT to do one or even both of those things, but I'm not sure either would work."
The sound of a car on the gravel outside let me know that Ray's student had just left. "Y'know, let's call Ray in here. He's been real helpful to me this summer. My oldest is engaged, and she spends most of her free time with the "in-laws."
They knocked and Ray opened the door. The butterfly was on his head, flapping. "Wha's up?"
I showed him the letter.
"Oh," he nodded knowingly. "Some more letting go. Hurts......"
"Ray," Slap interrupted. " I say just tell the son he's being a jerk!"
" "Hmmm," Ray began. “Like I have been saying to Bette--babies have to leave the nest and explore other horizons. Part of the Mind-Body-Spirit outlook is to accept the natural way of things. When the birds in the nest on our garage flew away, we were excited and a little sad. It's the same with children--just more so. I suggest we tell Mother that her feelings are normal. This is a loss of a certain kind. Yet, these parents have done a good job, because their son is now ready to use his wings.”
Slap snapped. "Oh, so you just write 'em off?!
More flapping followed that comment.
"Not at all." Ray explained. “The parents’ job isn’t done. Now they can take a balcony seat. And they can be there if they are needed. We don't hold on to people by telling them what to do. We keep them by letting go. And in this way we also reduce the stress of the emotional struggle."
"Sometimes Ms. Curmud flies away from us." Happy pondered. "But she always comes back even after a few days."
"She loves you," I said. "And she has to go do her butterfly thing just as young people have to do their thing. Glen’s wife’s parents may have to do some letting go too. But we are not in charge of when."
“It is ironic that parents who teach kids to be independent sometimes have a hard time with success!!
"I know Deb would agree with this." I said. “She knows that parents have to let kids go-- if they want them to thrive in the world as adults."
Now they were halfway out the door. "Okay”, they called. “We gotta go see Gramps. He's doin' real good. You guys can answer the letter now."
"Hey, thanks for the permission!" Ray laughed. "Guess you gotta go do what you gotta do! And we have a letter to write!"
"We'll be back to look it over!" Slap called to us. And they were gone--for a while.