Maturity, Resilience, and Strength: Your True MRS

At some point in life many of us have believed we needed the equivalent of some socially accepted uniform to feel like we fit in. As a young girl my mother assured me that my success would come from the proper “Mrs” in front of my name.

In high school, I studied diligently—obsessively even. “Bette,” my Mother would say. “You do not need to study so hard because you will just be changing diapers some day.” Was this my mother’s way of trying to correct my leanings toward being a perfectionist? If so, I didn’t get it. Perfectionism and the promise that a “Mrs” would make me whole remained stuck in my psyche for a very long time.

The error in my mother’s message was not about the choice to become a “Mrs.” and/or a mother, but rather that wholeness could be conferred on me with a title. Achieving authentic selfhood comes from the inside out, a concept my mother and many women in her generation did not yet have. The idea that I would need to go inside to find a true self did not occur to me when I married at a young 22. Marriage would make me complete. That is how it worked.

It took seventeen years of being a single mother—and beyond-- to spring board me into the most significant heart and soul of my growth. The message in my book,” Soul Mothers’ Wisdom” emphasizes that single motherhood is a blessed path to personal development and wholeness. Regardless of the direction in which life points you; however, the self is ever striving toward integration and authenticity—even when we remain unaware of that pull. Life’s events direct us toward this goal. If we are wise, we follow the guidance. Sometimes the way is clear and sometimes it is not. Always it is best to follow the path in faith that we are moving toward maturity, resilience and strength.


I would like to share with you what I believe to be ten major features of maturity, resilience and strength. These derive from my own experience , the courage and strength of my friends, family and clients, as well as interviews with many other single mothers. Bear in mind these are ideals. Nothing will be said about being perfect!

First: Please take a moment to quiet the mind as you prepare to consider these attributes:

Imagine that you are in a soft nurturing peaceful place inside of yourself. Picture yourself as the strong, accomplished woman you are. You will recognize in yourself many of the qualities that make up the true MRS. You may identify areas that you, yourself, wish to develop. Consider creating your own template of characteristics for your own MRS.


1. A mature woman trusts her self worth. She does not fear rejection and/or abandonment. While she may derive self -esteem from accomplishment, her sense of goodness does not rely on others opinions and outer influences, but rather emanates from an innate sense of intrinsic self worth. She may find models in the strength of others, but their accomplishments do not diminish her appreciation of her own.

2. A mature woman integrates emotions, thoughts, sensations and experiences. Neither does she deny her feelings, positive or painful, nor does she act impulsively from them. She chooses plans of action from her foundation of acceptance of all her feelings and her thoughts. From this solid core come her decisions.

3. The mature woman recognizes the varied aspects of her true Self and how they work together to form conflicts. She regulates her emotions, actions, and thinking by considering nuances, not by categorizing into absolutes. She allows reflecting time in order to function and cope effectively.

4. A mature woman is able to form and maintain close relationships. She does not blame others for her own shortcomings or for her feelings. While she may derive personal benefit from service to others, she does not have to feel needed in order to be fulfilled. She discerns what courses of action are in her best interest as well as the interests of others, understanding that there is always a balance between putting herself first and putting others interests first. She strives to have empathy and compassion, but is not compelled to put others’ needs before her own self-care.

5. A resilient woman knows her own values and beliefs. When in connection with others, she judiciously considers the merits of others’ points of view, neither stubbornly clinging to her own or compliantly giving them away. Her belief system is based on acceptance, empowerment and authenticity rather than fear, doubt, anger, or perfectionism. In this way she finds serenity.

6. A resilient woman holds a mind set that views change and adversity as opportunities for growth, even when the circumstances bring painful feelings. She has a toolkit of coping strategies that allow her to go on when the going gets rough. Her personal belief system about transition and loss empowers rather than debilitates her. She does not judge her coping harshly, but knows that she is growing and that her best is “good enough.

7. The resilient woman knows that it is okay to be vulnerable and that asking for help is normal and healthy. She gives and receives support but does not expect to be bailed out or rescued at the expense of others. She takes personal responsibility when she makes a mistake. When life deals out dilemmas and problems, she knows how to seek outside resources as well as guidance from inside her own intuitive nature.

8. A strong woman understands that where the emotional and rational minds connect exists wisdom. She knows she has intuition and knows how to access it when she needs inner guidance. She can self observe and make a course correction when necessary and/or appropriate. She adapts to life on life’s terms.

9. A strong woman knows how to manage stress in a way that energizes and empowers her. She trusts forgiveness and a loving heart to heal her spirit, her mind, and even her body. She understands that acceptance will calm her and she is able to clear needless worries. She concerns herself less with how others are responding to her but rather keeps the focus on her own intentions, keeping those motivations synchronized with clear thinking and effective coping.

10. A mature, resilient, strong woman keeps counsel with her intuition. She knows what she can and cannot control. She keeps the focus on herself and reduces her efforts to try to change others. She molds and guides her children and when they are ready allows them to fly.


Maturity, resilience and strength intertwine in a rich pattern of thinking, feeling, sensing, coping, and living. They exist together and are not mutually exclusive. One leads to another and one augments the other. They overlap and create a rich tapestry of tools and strategies for facing life’s challenges and problems. Arriving at her destination of wholeness, the strong resilient woman finds courage, hope, joy, serenity, self love and peace.